This is my darkest side of myself and how it give bad impact throughout my life.
Saya tak salahkan ‘dia’ yang buat saya begini. I just accept it in my life journey.
I shout out here supaya no parent would done that to your children. Or even to individual – dont undertimate people’s big dreams.
Indirectly you just ‘kill’ themself from become what they want to be, from unleash their full potential.
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Bagi certain orang bila baca ni mungkin rasa macam biasa tapi untuk saya, it gave me a big negative impact in my life a.k.a childhood trauma yang saya dalam proses nak heal.
Whatever my childhood trauma face of, I determine to not ever done to my child soon (insya-Allah kalau ada rezeki kahwin, ada anak).
Kalau saya ada peluang berlakon, bila fikir scene ni, 100% saya boleh menangis at that time. It just showed, how it gave big negative impact in my life.
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Kecik-kecik biasa orang akan tanya,
“Kau nak jadi apa?”
Early 20s, masa tu saya aktif baca buku Indon. Antaranya, karya Ippho Santosa. Saya inspired nak jadi penulis international macam dia.
One day, saya just sharing kat ibu saya – you know the moment you want to make your mom as your bestieh. Deep talk, curhat.
Saya beritahu dia, saya nak jadi penulis international. But the response that I got unfortunately not encouraging instead harsh.
Saya faham, mindset generasi Baby Boomers lain. Mereka prefer kerjaya anak-anak towards something yang terjamin.
Tapi to be honest, nothing is guaranteed. This world is temporary.
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1. Feel not deserve
From that ‘moment’, I always felt Im not deserve to anything that I want
Deserve to be rich
Deserve to be loved
Deserve to be appreciated
Etc.
Not yet things that I’ve done now is successful as I aim for. Because deep inside me – you’re not deserve.
Thats why I always struggling. Im chasing instead of welcoming. Lagi kejar duit, lagi susah, lagi penat. Lagi cari jodoh, lagi failed relationship.
Pasang impian jadi digital nomad buat kerja anywhere anytime asalkan duit masuk dari early 20s lagi. Migrate to Australia. Tapi sampai sekarang Im too coward to execute it.
My emotional drive of ‘security and control’ is very high.
Saat saya hanya mampu bermimpi, ada orang lain yang dah realisasikan impian tu. Ada someone lady digital nomad yang dia share journey digital nomad di Tiktok.
Dia kurang followers tapi dia selalu share journey dia. Saya suka tengok. She just name where she want to travel and go for it. Bujang for now.
Hari tu dia decide pergi Istanbul, then tengok-tengok jadi speaker kat sana like ‘senangnya she made it T_T’.
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2. Tak open share pada parent due to ‘fear of being judge’
From that ‘moment’ juga, saya dah tak lagi cerita pada my parent apa yang saya buat because afraid they will undertimate my achievement.
The fear of being judge crawl inside me. Saya jadi takut dan tak suka nak beri my honest feedback.
Some scenario, I just say ‘YES’ and its hard to say ‘NO’ which tend to make me felt exhausted at the end and affect my mental health.
Saya sedar this childhood trauma pun bila dah dekat 30s. Tak sedar how it gave big negative impact to myself.
Di situlah bermulanya, saya explore deeper ilmu how to heal trauma, psychology etc.
I set boundaries on myself to avoid daripada burnout, stress etc. Belajar say ‘NO’, belajar confront feedback even it might cause huge conflict. Belajar manage emotion.
Sebab tu saya suka topic pasal healing ni sebab saya nak belajar macam mana nak heal my trauma. And sometimes there is trauma that doesn’t heal.
Yet, I believe there’s always room to improve. So Im currently always in the phase of improving and healing my childhood trauma.
Maka begitulah.
To all parent out there, dont ever undertimate your child’s dreams even you know kadang benda paling mustahil boleh tercapai but who knows right in the future apa akan jadi.
As individual, lets support on other people dreams. Walau kadang kita paling rapat, kita tahu dia selalu hangat-hangat tahi ayam haha tapi lets support bila dia ada new goal yang dia nak capai.